It's Gonna Hurt

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything (I ‘ve said that a lot these past 8 months).  I have excuses, all crafted from a procrastinator’s self-delusion; I’m working on something else, I’m too tired, I’m too busy, my muse has been abducted, cats and grand-cubs need me, I don’t feel like it (this one’s true), and I have a job (and so is this one). 

In actuality, they’re all lies because the reason I have avoided my pen is a full-on retreat (which is hard to admit given cowardice is not something I’m proud of).  Why?  Pain.  In the aftermath of one of the most epic examples of human failing, I was catapulted squarely into the land of emotional and mental agony.  I hurt.  My mind hurt.  My heart hurt.  I dove into my cave (sanitized of everything which had hurt me) and refused to acknowledge anything outside the door.  I watched historical documentaries (because current events made me ill), read books (carefully selected), went crafty (or crazy) and made ‘things’ (which is probably the only word to describe some of my attempts), talked mostly to my cats (because they’re blessedly tight-lipped when it comes to things like world events, politics and religion) and gave my life over to the avoidance found in isolation. 

In other words, I did what we all do.  I did not deal well with my pain.  Despite evidence that the majority of us are constantly struggling with some form of pain, almost no one copes with it.  (What evidence?  Pain is a signal that something is wrong.  We are, for the most part, panicked, haunted, self-consumed, medicated to the eyeballs, running through life 900 mph and selling our souls for coin.  Something is very wrong.)  We ignore, downplay, or push pain aside whenever and however we can.  Misdirected (often bad) coping-skills (“walk-it-off” mentality, avoidance, 500 count bottles of pain reliever, cases of wine, etc.) have given us a pass to deny pain until we can no longer circumnavigate it.  And why do we avoid it?  Well, we’re told it’s because it hurts and nobody likes to hurt.  (Okay, some do, but that’s a whole ‘nother kind of situation.)  In reality, we ignore pain because it gets in the way of what we’re doing to avoid feeling pain. 

The issue of pain can be complex and overwhelming.  Especially if we wait too long.  Still, a solution is approachable if we change how we think about it.  Twinges, depression, aches, soreness, doubt or anxiety are seen as uninvited pests who serve no purpose, occasionally crashing the party and peeing in the fruit punch for no particular reason beyond annoying us.  Yet, all forms of pain appear when the individual has been wounded in some way.  In this context, pain is like a traffic cop stationed protectively at the scene of an ‘accident’ working to stop more damage from growing out of the first by prompting us to slow down, take notice and act accordingly.  In other words, pain alerts you to what is effecting the quality of your life.  Regarded this way, we realize ignoring it risks creating a 20-car pileup, bringing the whole city to a crippled standstill.  Which could have most likely been avoided if we had just listened to him instead of trying to plow over him or drive around him.

Working with pain successfully begins with self-awareness. Regularly assessing your emotions, mind and body (which, ironically, brings the pain of discomfort to most people) is essential. Taking personal inventory on a regular basis is the best way to understand where and why you are experiencing pain before it gets out of control.  (Seriously, this takes like five minutes and you can do it anywhere.)  Sit down and question yourself like a health care provider would.  Where are you emotionally? Sad?  Frustrated?  Afraid?  What are you avoiding thinking about?  Or is there something you can’t stop thinking about?  How are you physically? 

If part of you is aching, hurting, or tender, don’t run.  Notice it.  Allow yourself to feel what’s there.  This is the site of an accident.  Assess the damage honestly.  Recognizing the difference between a flat tire (something you can fix easily) or a totaled engine (something that needs assistance) is vital to bringing a real end to pain.  Is it a fender bender or a full-on crash?  (Are you sore from working too hard?  Or are you deeply wounded by an unhappy childhood?)  Do you know how to work towards fixing it?  Or do you need to learn how?  (Another important step is accepting the reality of your ability to heal the problem yourself.)  Is it something you can rectify through rest or a change in behavior?  Or do you need professional advice? 

Once you have assessed the cause begin to actively nurture.  For some, this is as simple as choosing to act in a way that is self-caring.  Those who were fortunate enough to have loving caregivers as children learned the basics; healthy food, exercise, hygiene, rest, regular sleep habits, time given to things which nourish the soul.  Some, however, experienced something different.  Those individuals have to learn the tools.  This can be accomplished by reading books, articles and blogs, attending workshops, or watching lectures on self-care as well as talking with counselors.  (And for the love of all things holy, stop buying what the advertising community defines as self-care! Blowing $10,000 in Las Vegas or drinking a certain brand of beer or trying to look like a millionaire prince/ess or shopping until your credit card smells like burnt plastic is NOT productive self-care! It’s self-medicating - avoidance of pain at its most costly.)

Of course, I know all this, but when misplaced faith was handed back to me in pieces, I chose to take a dive anyway.  Partially because I had invested so deeply in the illusion that human beings were something other than they continuously prove themselves to be.  (Sort of like expecting a sheep to act like a lion.  My bad.)  Yet, I also know, in hiding from my pain, I’m hiding from assessing the problem which leads to the solutions needed to bring change.  One important tool of my own self-care is forgiving myself for flaws, failings and weaknesses.  (It's been liberally applied to this situation.)  So, I’ve dusted off my courage and am venturing back out to the scene of the crash, because locked in a fetal position, unable to move, I can’t have a positive impact on my world.