Desperately Seeking Damage

Graphic credit:  H. Newberry

This is a "How The Hell Did I Not See That!?" moment.  You know the kind; the brain rupture when something catches you in a whole new way.  Lightening strikes and hits all the way to the back of a mental closet in  which you've shoved tons of crap you pretend you don't own. (Yeah, one of those.)

Have some of you noticed the same kind of negative people keep coming into your life?  They look different (different names, different faces) but they're basically the same miserable, nasty people?  Snarky ones who pretend all the put-downs are just friendly teasing.  (HAHAHA!! Not.)  Or the one who nit-picks you to death over the right way to -be, dress, think, act (disguised as advice, of course)?  How about the 'here-and-gone' one who's about as dependable as cheap tissue-paper?  Or the tragic one who can turn any occasion into a pity party.  And of course, don't forget the one smiling at you while fantasizing the best way to get your significant other alone and naked.

We all know this lady

You no sooner get rid of one and -BAM - here they come again, popping up like some demonic version of a "Wackamole" game.  Narcissists, drama-junkies, and backstabbers.  In and out  faster than we can hit the locks.  Critics, traitors, fair-weathers and leeches.  (As if some malicious bastard has carved your home address on hell's revolving door.)  Different skins, different names, but at heart - the same kind of people.

Well, guess what?  Want to know why they keep showing up?  Because some of us need them.  And they're not finding us.  We're searching for them.  We're looking for them so desperately we've all but taken out an ad in the classifieds.  Because in some sinkhole of our subconscious we think we need personalities like theirs to make our world feel 'normal'.

There is a whole world of sh*t going on back there

Though it's snarled up in unconscious perspective, it makes sense if you think about it.  During our formative years (say 0-8) our definition of the world is created by what's in place around us.  The personalities, sounds, smells, feelings and experiences we encounter build a sort of blueprint.  Dogmatic in the extreme, (for most of us) the subconscious uses this early design as the measure of what a normal environment should feel like (keep in mind I said normal, not good.). We reach adulthood unaware of all this, but we act on it, subconsciously seeking replicas of those early personalities and situations in an effort to sense all is 'normal' in our world.

Good Ol' Uncle Charlie

For example, let's say you had a drunken Uncle Charlie who breezed in and out of your bleak childhood like sporadic splashes of glittering rainbow paint.  Each time he staggered in you were hugged, petted and given gifts.  His beer-scented presence was an oasis of love and acceptance in your dismal world.  Now, thirty years into your quest for happiness, you wake up married to an alcoholic who can barely function.  Behind you is a series of failed relationships with unstable people who were charming but couldn't be consistent to save their lives.  Now you're laying there wondering, 'why, oh, why are you attracted to people like this?'.

Or, let's say you're born to a shallow mom.  You are not so much her child as an extension of her self-image.  She's disapproving, critical and all about how you fail to make her look good.  Twenty years later, (a string of hurtful, shallow friendships behind you) your staring across the table at the 'best friend' who is matter-of-factly swinging between one-upping you and slaughtering everything from your hair to your make-up to your handbag (God, don't get her started on the way dress).  Why, oh, why, do these cold, critical women fool you into befriending them time after time?

And we've all met this one

Or (last one, I promise), you grew up with a mentally-ill family member, someone who's erratic behavior kept everyone in a tailspin of drama, anxiety and emotional instability.  Fretting, nervousness and tip-toeing on eggshells was your whole world.  You longed for peace and quiet.  And you now have it.  Because, after wading through the horror of nearly EVERYONE you tried to get close to being addicted to drama and chaos, you are alone.   (Except for the cat.  You do have the cat.)  So, you got what you wanted; life is neat, calm and tidy.  But it isn't right, is it?  You're irritable, pessimistic and pretty much miserable. About everything.  Life is too big and too empty.  There's nothing (except depression and bitterness) as you wander from room to room feeling the lack.  But what choice do you have?   Whenever you try to make friends you can't find a happy medium.  People either bore you to tears or drive you nuts.  Why, oh, why can't you just find someone to share your life with?

This one too

Well, I can tell you 'why, oh, why'.  Because these people - those who mirror in one way or another (to some degree) the negative personalities from our early years - are the ones we are looking for.  Given the surplus of miserable, entitled, selfish, nasty, mean people in the world, they are going to continue answering the ads as long as we're putting them out there.  And, if we don't invest in some self-examination, we'll keep looking for them because (according to our subconscious) our world is not 'normal' without them.

Now, I'm sure some folks out there had amazing childhoods.  No pain, no trauma.  Nothing but blue skies and unicorns.  You're happy and well adjusted.  Everyone in your life is the spitting image of Mother Teresa and Abraham Lincoln.  Or maybe you're one of those who, despite a nightmare, Daliesque landscape peopled with caricatures from a Law and Order episode, have overcome it. Go you!  More power to you.  (Please wait in the corner while the rest of us fix ourselves.)

The Oogie Closet

The question is how do we stop?  How do we get our address off the spinning door and nail the damn thing shut?  Ending our quest for 're-runs' means sitting down and staring deep into the back of that oogie closet.  Dragging out our formative relationships and recognizing those personalities outside the context of ourselves.  Identifying them for who they really were goes a long way towards helping you spot them when they show up and apply for the job.  Someone in your childhood was hyper-critical?  That could mean you're drawn to disapproving people, even when they seem really nice to you in the beginning.  (How do they treat the waiter?)  Maybe one parent was distant?  Could be the reason you're attracted to those who won't make you a priority. (Wow, you're canceling on me for the fifth time?)  Another person was consistently abusive and cruel?  That's probably why you're find yourself around selfish jerks who constantly hurt you.  Even fun, ol' Uncle Charlie left his mark by showing you love in sporadic, alcohol-perfumed flashes.

If you're sick to death of being stunned, hurt and confused by the people you constantly find in your life, then you have to learn to recognize the old personality behind the new face.  And one of the best ways to do that is to step back and watch how they treat/judge/view other people.  'Cause if she's a snarky, hateful, imperious bitch to the waitress - dun-dun-da!  (Well, hello, grandma Bessie! When did you get here?!)  Or if he eye-f*cks everything walking by (Wow, big brother! The way you treat women certainly left a mark!) or measures you against others all the freaking time - sigh (I'll never be good enough, mom).  Another sure-fire way to identify them is to keep track of how many times you have to make concessions/excuses for their behavior.  If your constantly having to forgive them or over-look the things they do (or don't) and say, then it's a good bet your subconscious wants them around more than you do.

So, wake up and  pay attention.  The guy your texting from the bar - Who is he?  Really?  The woman across the coffee table with the high-tilted nose?  Could it possibly be Aunt Mable who always treated you like the bastard child at the family picnic?  Whoever it is, figure it out.  LOOK for them in the people you come across and feel drawn to.  Because if you've got an consistent history with negative people, it's a good bet the person catching your eye is a blast from the past.

Once you realize you've got a negative personality at the door, run.  Get up, get out and go.  Because - GUESS WHAT!? - You actually don't need them.  The only reason they keep showing up is because you aren't paying attention!  Take control of your life away from your subconscious and actively choose the people you invest in.  Inventory those who populated your early world and consciously choose something different, something better.  Build up, not back.  You've paid your dues and you've got the scars to prove it.  Close out the position, cancel the interview and pull the ad.  

Run.  Just run as fast as you can.